Price Check
by Artemis Day
Summary: One day, Pinako Rockbell asked Edward Elric to go shopping for groceries. Probably not her best idea. GiftFic.


******A/N: Written as a gift for dbzfangurl47 over at deviantART as part of the DA Ranger Group's Secret Ranger event.**

* * *

One day, Pinako Rockbell, proprietor of Rockbell Automail and grandmother to the prodigious mechanic, Winry Rockbell, asked Edward Elric, former State Alchemist and prodigy in his own right, to go grocery shopping.

In retrospect, probably not her smartest idea.

The day started without problems. Ed awoke from a deep, peaceful sleep with boundless energy and a growling stomach. Dressing quickly, he raced into the kitchen, fully expecting to see his brother, Winry and Pinako waiting for him with breakfast all laid out. Hopefully, it'd be pancakes today; he wasn't really in the mood for bacon and eggs. What he found was a deserted house and no food in sight. The only thing on the kitchen table was a note that bore his name.

_Dear Ed,_

_Got an emergency call from a client across town. Winry and Alphonse came along to assist me, and we should be back in just a few hours. Mind picking up a few things at the market for me while we're gone? The shopping list is under this note and the money's next to it._

It ended there and wasn't signed, almost like Pinako was in a hurry when she wrote it and forgot. Judging from the sloppy handwriting, Ed wouldn't be surprised. He glanced at the table again, and found there was indeed another piece of paper with more scribbled writing on it, as well as a small money bag several inches to the left. From the looks of it, there was just enough to purchase the few items on Pinako's list. It probably wouldn't take him long at all.

Not that it made Ed any more eager to do this, but he knew not doing it and upsetting Granny could be detrimental to his health.

What if she got so mad, she made him go to bed with no dinner? Or worse… made him eat their neighbor's tuna casserole surprise?

Ed shivered, the thought alone making him fell sick.

Groaning in resignation, he snatched up the money and the list. He threw on his coat and headed out the door, slamming and locking it behind him.

And so it began.

* * *

"I don't care what that fruit vendor says," Ed said to himself an hour later. "There's no way three tomatoes costs 1200 cenz. Rotten, crooked salesmen dickhead fucker…"

He continued grumbling obscenities to himself, loud enough that anyone close by could hear it. They all quickly moved away from him. Ed turned the corner onto a much more populated street, getting lost in the crowd on his way to to butcher shop. There, he was to pick up some steak for dinner, the final item on Pinako's list.

Just to confirm that this was indeed his last stop, and that he would no longer have to deal with the pains of food shopping for at least another few weeks, Ed stopped in front of a small cafe. Leaning against the metal fence, he eased the bags to the ground and pulled the list out of his pocket along with a pen. He chewed absently on the bottom end as his eyes scanned the wrinkling paper.

"Okay, got the bread, got the cheese, got the pasta sauce, got the cookie dough, got the- eugh- _milk_, got the tomatoes…"

He looked around at the stores all lined up across from him, the butcher's was at the very end.

"Just have to get the steak for dinner and I'm done. Thank God for that."

Ed started off again, crossing the nearly empty street without interruption. The few people on the other side paid him no mind as he stopped in front of the dingy little shop and opened the door. It felt much lighter than normal, almost like the hinges where loosening. Luckily, the rest of the shop was in better condition: neat and cleaned up, only smelling moderately of raw meat. Ed approached the counter, and the butcher, a very large man with meaty hands, a thick neck, crew cut dirty blonde hair, and brown eyes, looked up and paused in chopping up an enormous hunk of beef.

"Afternoon!" he said jovially, waving at Ed with the meat cleaver still in hand. "What can I do for you?"

"I need four sirloin steaks please."

"Coming right up," said the butcher.

He dropped the cleaver with a loud clatter and trotted off into the back room. When he was out of sight, Ed pulled the money sack out of his pocket and opened it to peer inside.

"About 6500 left, and this shouldn't cost more than 4000. This is easier than I thought… still not fun, though."

Five minutes later, the butcher came back out with four wrapped packages stacked one on top of the other. Ed, who had been reading the names of all the meats on display for the third time out of sheer boredom, didn't bother to mask his relief that the shopping was almost done. All he had to do was pay for the meat and get everything home. Then he'd be free to take a well-deserved nap until everyone got home and their delicious, casserole-free dinner was ready.

"Alright," the butcher said as he rang everything up. Ed pulled out the money sack. "That'll be 6000 cenz, please."

Ed's body jerked violently, and he almost dropped the open bag. A few coins had already spilled out the sides as it was. Ed stared incredulously at the butcher.

_"What?"_ he gasped. "6000 cenz? Are you kidding me?"

The butcher frowned. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"Well gee, pal, you tell me," Ed said condescendingly, leaning against the counter. "Because the last time I was here, these steaks only cost 1100 cenz each. Now you're telling me it's- like _500_ more?"

"Well sir, thing's have changed since you were last here," the butcher said, matching, then exaggerating Ed's tone. "Inflation and all that."

"I was here last week! Pinako Rockbell was with me and I saw you sell them to her for only 4000 cenz!"

At this, all pretenses of professionalism went out the window.

"Look buddy, either pay for the meat or get lost. I don't need anybody making a scene and driving away all my business."

"You're doing that well enough on your own," Ed fired back, crossing his arms over his chest. "I may just buy from a different butcher from now on. How do you like that?"

The butcher barked a laugh in Ed's face. "Oh yeah? Joke's on you, then. There is no other butcher in town. It's me or nothing."

"Then how about this?" Ed slammed in hands on the counter to push himself up to eye level with the irritatingly taller man. "I'll go home, find some cows of my own, slaughter them for meat and sell them to aaaall of Risembool for 1100 Goddamn cenz a pop. And then I'll run your fat ass out of business! How do you like _that?_"

"I'd like to see you try," the butcher shouted at Ed, who was now stalking towards the door, bags swinging furiously at his sides.

"Keep this shit up and you just might, asshole!"

"Bring it on, Shortstack!"

Ed's hand froze over the doorknob.

The red faced butcher stared at his back in wait of his next move.

Ed turned around and the air in the shop turned ice cold.

"What did you just say?" he asked quietly.

Now, it should be known that the butcher was not a very social man. Outside his wife, teenaged sons, and a few close friends, he never spoke much to anyone, and certainly never partook in gossip. As such, he knew very little about the exploits of the Elric brothers, aside from the obvious that the elder had spent several years of his life employed by the military. Everything else, from Edward's supposed attempt at human transmutation, to the rumor that he was once trapped in a barren desert for a week and survived by eating his boot, the man was completely oblivious to.

This includes Edward's legendary short temper regarding his height.

As such, the butcher couldn't have realized the growing the danger that only became worse when he sneered at Ed.

"What, didn't you hear me? I know you're pretty low to the ground and all, but surely I spoke loud enough for you."

It suddenly didn't matter to Ed anymore that he'd grown so much after getting Al's body back. Old habits die hard as they say. That, and he was already pretty pissed off as it was. It was really no wonder that, immediately after the butcher finished speaking, Ed let out a hyena worthy shriek and pounced. The butcher, though much bigger than Ed, hadn't been in good shape since his early twenties, and went down like a sack of bricks when Ed's fist connected with his face. He groaned in pain, his fat stomach making it difficult for him to get back up.

"How do you like _that_ one?" Ed shouted at him with a wide, crazed grin on his face.

As the butcher struggled, sputtering curses and half formed insults all the way, the back door swung open. Two sets of footsteps raced to the forefront of the store at top speed.

"Dad, is that you?" a voice called out. "We heard a scream!"

They appeared in the doorway, two young men who looked like younger, skinnier versions of the butcher, minus the ruddy complexion. Taking in the scene before them, their father laying on the ground and a angry, heavily breathing blonde man with his fists clenched standing over him, it didn't take them long to deduce what had happened and react accordingly.

"Hey!" the first one shouted. "Who the hell do you think you are, attacking our father?!"

"If you're looking for a fight, take it up with us," the second brother said, smacking a fist into his open palm.

Edward wasn't moved.

"I'm just looking for some steaks at a reasonable price," he said indignantly, hands on his hips. "Your dad here goes around trying to cheat me out of my money? He's lucky I don't give him worse than that!"

"How DARE you accuse our father of swindling! You asked for it, buddy."

The brothers ran at Ed, who easily and wordlessly sidestepped them. They crashed into a display of sausages, sending the entire thing to the ground and on their heads. They screamed as they were buried alive, flailing wildly, trying to reach Ed and give him the beating he so richly deserved. Ed made a break for the door, grabbing up a fallen sausage to swat at the boys when they reached for him. He stopped only for the grocery bags, adjusting them in his hand as he pushed the door wide open.

"And don't call me short!" he shouted back into the shop before stepping out.

He slammed the door unnecessarily hard. When he got home and calmed down a bit, he might be worried that he had accidentally broken it and those rotten thieves might track him down and try to make him pay for it. Ed would have no problem with that monetarily. His military earned money could probably sustain him for the rest of his life. It was the idea of giving even a penny to those jackasses that got him angry. If they thought they could make him, those stupid assholes had another thing coming to them.

He doubted it would come to that. He'd already shown them not to mess with Edward Elric.

"Hey!"

Or not.

Against his better judgment, Ed turned around. Now growing bored, he fully intended to deliver a fierce verbal thrashing to the idiots until they promised to leave him alone. He wasn't in the mood for another fistfight. The problem, as he discovered once he caught sight of the butcher's enraged sons, was that they weren't walking towards him.

They were running at full speed towards him.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU DIRTY THIEF!"

_'Thief?'_ Ed thought, a laugh building in his stomach. _'He's sure one to talk. I haven't stolen anything…'_

Something weighed down on his right hand, and he casually looked to find the sausage from before, still wrapped in his tight grasp. His anger ebbed a bit, replaced by an unpleasant coldness as his eyes widened.

"Oh… forgot I still had tha-AH!"

The first brother, who also happened to be the larger of the two, had taken full advantage of Ed lowering his guard. He tackled him to the ground, the sausage rolling out of Ed's hand and into the street. The two of them brawled, punching and kicking and scratching whatever part of each other they could reach. By the time a crowd gathered, Ed had landed three good hits on his opponent, but had received a kick to the shin and a bite on the ear for his troubles. Oddly enough, the butcher's second son wasn't joining in the fray, choosing instead to stand to the side and cheer his brother on.

"COME ON, PHIL, YOU CAN TAKE HIM!"

Edward ignored the stupid kid and whacked his brother on the cheek, following up with a knee to the stomach that made the boy's eyes pop out of his head. While he gasped for air, Ed rolled him off and shot to his feet, weaving through the crowd just as the second boy finally decided to get in on the action. Ed ran through the mob without stopping for anything, not even the slight tug he felt on his coat, like one of the brothers had made a final, desperate claw and almost got him.

He burst free, coming out into the open while the brothers muscled their way through the crowd and after him. Ed smirked, knowing he'd be all the way down the block before they could get out. He was in the clear now.

A loud screeching put an end to that, along with drawing everyone's attention, even the brothers', away from him and towards the street. A car had overturned on the cobblestones, smoke coming out of the engine and the wheels spinning futilely. The driver, thankfully unharmed, pulled himself from the wreck, screaming and cursing in a high pitched voice Ed could hardly understand. What he could make out gave him a big hint at what had caused the crash. It also helped that the giant sausage was still sitting innocuously in the street.

"Oh…" Ed mouthed, taking small steps away from the mess as the driver marched up to the hunk of processed meat and picked it up. He then proceeded to wave it furiously in the air.

"What kind of moron leaves a smelly hunk of meat in the middle of the road?" he bellowed. "I could've broken my neck because of this stupid thing."

"Hey, don't talk that way about our dad's meat!" the first boy shouted.

A few of the crowd members behind him looked grossed out.

"You say it again and we'll take you to the pavement!" The second one was more than eager to follow his brother's example.

"Oh please, you punks think you can intimidate me?" The driver shouted back. "I'm a 2 time martial arts champion, I could take you in my sleep."

"Yeah right, you're just trying to scare us."

"Why don't you come over here and find out? Or are you too busy wetting yourselves like the babies you are?"

"Alright, THAT'S IT!"

The brother launched themselves upon the driver, who took a fighting stance Ed recalled Teacher using on occasion. His fists met the boys' faces, sending them backwards. They both recovered fast and charged again, this time getting the man in the stomach and throwing him down. The fight was getting out of hand, and the onlookers ate it up. Moving to surround the new combatants, some of them even cheered and whooped, though most of the people remained in a stunned silence.

Ed squirmed uncomfortably from his spot on the curb. He hadn't moved an inch since the accident, and now he was starting to feel really awkward. His palms were sweating from holding the many plastic bags. Turning away from the brawl, Ed shrugged his shoulders and sighed deeply.

_'I wonder if I should've just paid the 6000 cenz… nah.'_

He started for home.

* * *

By some miracle, the groceries were all intact when he got back. After putting them all away and tossing out the bags, Ed flopped down on the couch with a book, which he read until the front door opened and three pairs of footsteps broke the silence.

"We're home!" Winry said, entering first with Al and Pinako at her heels. "Ed?"

"Right here," he said, closing the book and sitting up. "How'd it go?"

He took note of the disarray her hair was in and the countless grease and oil stains on her shirt. Winry leaned against the wall and rubbed her forehead, looking as worn out as she did after another all-nighter.

"It was a _nightmare_, took us hours to fix."

"I've never seen someone break their automail that badly," Pinako said as she hung up her coat. "Not even you were that bad, Ed."

"Thanks, I think…"

Pinako nodded and headed into the kitchen. After rummaging around for a few seconds, she called out to Ed.

"I see you've done the grocery shopping like I asked. Any problems?"

Ed started to answer, then paused and bit hard on his lip. Flinching from embarrassment, he remained silent long enough for Pinako to poke her head into view again and stare at him.

"Ed?"

"What?" Ed said dumbly, shaking his head and coming back to reality with a jolt. "Oh, no. Nothing went wrong. It was fine."

Pinako studied him, and Ed started to feel nervous. There's no way she could've known what had happened, right?

"I see," she said. "I also see that you didn't buy the steaks. Those were supposed to be for dinner tonight, you know."

"I know," Ed answered, fighting the urge to look away. "The butcher uh… he wasn't in today. Wasn't feeling well or something..."

"Hmm…" Pinako said, seeming to buy it, but Ed couldn't be sure. "Well, I suppose that can't be helped. It's fine, Edward, we didn't need them anyway. We met up with Mrs. Jacobson on the way back and she invited us over for dinner."

Ed, who had been breathing a sigh of relief at not being caught, went completely still.

"O-oh yeah?" _'Oh no…'_

"Yes, she told me she was making her specialty tonight-"

_'No…'_

"-and wound up getting carried away and made too much-"

_'NO.'_

"-so if we leave now, we can make it just in time for some tuna casserole surprise."

_'NOOOOOOO!'_

Ed's face turned bright green, and with a pained moan he slid off the couch and onto the floor, where he lay unmoving and consumed by misery.

Standing over his big brother, a confused Alphonse scratched his head and glanced at Winry and Pinako.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked.

They both shrugged.


End file.
